Started working on a new album. It will be called Lapse and it'll be the 3rd part of a trilogy. The first part was "We Deserve Misery" (2020, unreleased), the 2nd "Where Thorns Grow" (2024, a demo version of the first song and some bits and pieces of others have been released). I am happy with how my music has evolved. It is painful to make but it also helps to cope with things and move on. As such, they all deal with recent events and things that occupy the mind.

Today was my birthday and there was something that made me almost tear up. It made me feel needed. I often have a hard time finding a reason to go keep going so a reminder how I am important to someone and that I can have a positive impact on someone’s life really helps.

Maybe a few words about the concepts of each entry of the Misery / Thorns / Lapse trilogy, without giving too much away about the actual motivations for writing them. Misery is about someone who has lost all purpose, has nothing left for him so he decides to leave forever. Thorns is about things that can hurt you. Lapse is about cause and effect, in a psychological sense. I had a writer's block before and it feels really good to be able to write again. As the music evolved between each part it has gotten harder and harder to write so I need a lot of energy to do it. Right now I have it. And I hope it will be enough to finish it. The first part/song is already something I am really proud of and the half finished 2nd part also is shaping up pretty nicely. A good friend said it sounds really depressing, I take that as a compliment. I weirdly think that most of what I record doesn't sound depressing ENOUGH, as in it doesn't really convey what I wanted to convey. But maybe it's the thing where you are your own biggest critic. If I were 100% happy with everything I do, I wouldn't have a reason to keep pushing.

I have a pretty regular sleeping pattern right now, which is nice. But I often don't get more than 6h of sleep, often it's even just 5h. I know someone who can sleep 12h each and every day, I am a bit jealous. I like sleeping and I love dreaming. I still remember a dream from when I was a young teen. I was in a cave that was completely closed, there was no way to enter or leave. But it wasn't completely dark. There also was a big puddle of water in the middle, almost like one of those Japanese hot springs, onsen. And there was a sound. A sound from a musical instrument but it sounded like nothing I have ever heard before. It's one of the reasons I do ambient music. Another reason is the sound of the night sky. It's beautiful.

Updated the discography page, now you can click on the titles of the releases to show links to where you can stream them. Not entirely satisfied with it yet.

Been struggling a bit with staying motivated, not only with this site but in general. The usual "what am I doing this for?" thoughts are creeping in. I was never good with "networking" and I am hoping somehow people will start noticing my work. But I know it will get better, just have to keep going. I have an almost finished EP and album and they are really solid. Just have to push myself to finish them. Got a commission the other day and that helped. Feels different when you do something for someone else rather than just for yourself. Maybe that's what I need, to work on something else for a bit. Get a break from all the big and complicated projects and do something simple.

Sleeping pattern is really messed up at the moment, I am trying to fix it because it's hard to get things done when you get up and the day is almost over already. I want to visit a place tomorrow that got recommended to me and I'll either go very early, with no/very little sleep or a bit later with at least some sleep.

Only very minor website update today because I was busy with other things. I removed the about section because right now I am not using it. I'm not sure if I should put some things about myself or my projects on there, I don't think it's really needed.

Visited a graveyard today, as I often do. On some days I just don't feel inspired but today was good. Trying to do more than just pictures of pretty flowers and sculptures, to have some variety.

Not doing great today. Was planning on going outside to take photos but decided against it. But I still worked on this website.
The titles on the discography page are now Spotify links. I had the idea of having a little menu open when you click them, where you can select between Spotify, Youtube Music and other streaming sites but I have to do this later, when I learned more about making websites.

Also added the first version of a gallery for my photography. Very simple right now but it works.
Don't feel like writing any more so this will have to do.

Made progress on the discography page, now shows the album art in a grid. It's WIP, as is everything else on this site. I want the grid to eventually adjust itself not only in size but also in layout according to screen dimensions but this will have to come later as I learn more about HTML and CSS.
I want to add a page for my photography but I am not sure yet how it should look like. Having thumbnails and getting the big version as you click on them would probably be the best but maybe I go the easy route first and just do a long scrollable page with them displayed as big as possible, with a small margin both horizontal and vertical.

Also worked on the lyrics for "Misery", as they were a bit too short. I added some things and they are now roughly twice as long. Felt good to write down some of the negative thoughts I had. Last song is probably one of the most depressing things I've ever written. But I am inexperienced as a lyricist so I won't release them. I also worked on the kick and bass sound, sounds fuller now. All the music and mixing was originally done in 2020 so it's interesting how much better at understanding how to improve a mix I have become. Hearing muddy/annoying frequencies and setting levels right feels much easier than back then, it's way less guesswork now.

This is all for now, I need to work out and shower and decide where I want to go tomorrow, to take photos.

Added collapsable entries to the blog. I'm tired but I don't want to sleep. Sometimes I feel like I am not allowed to go to sleep yet because I haven't accomplished enough. I wanted to work out today (I did yesterday). But I worked on the mix of "Misery" a bit. Guitars are now less muddy, makes a big difference. And I keep working on this site. So maybe I did enough for 1 day after all. But still, I could do so much more if I wasn't so lazy.

Started working on making a website for my art the other day. No idea yet if this will become more that me playing around with HTML and CSS. I do tend to work on too many things at the same time. But I enjoy visual design so it could be fun coming up with something, right now it's just meant as a place to have all my socials linked and later display album art and maybe some of my photography. Also just might use this as a diary.

Something actually related to my music:
"We Deserve Misery" has been basically complete since 2020 but the drums could use some fills (I hate doing them). I have lyrics for all 3 tracks but I don't know if I'll keep them or write new ones. After that I have to actually record them, which I am not looking forward to. But I want to put out a proper release of my BM music, not just instrumental pieces. After that's done (ideally I'll focus on "Misery", but I'll probably work on both releases at the same time) I'll re-record guitar tracks for "Thorns". Has no lyrics yet and only one song has a title that dictates the theme. It will be a pretty personal record about recent experiences so I most likely won't share the actual lyrics online. Hopefully no one can actually understand what I am singing/screaming.

That's all for now, 1st blog entry done. I need to code a proper blog, where you get a little preview of the entries and then you can click on one to read it. I wonder if anyone will even read these but anyway, end of first entry.